I wonder if pioneer women ever experienced mom envy or the mommy comparison trap? What about the pilgrims or viking women? Do women in 3rd world countries ever compare themselves to each other? I wonder if it is a "woman" thing or just something that plagues our society? What ever it is and what ever the reason for it, I find myself doing it way too often and in the process I always feel like I fall at the bottom of the "good mommy" ladder. Now I am not writing this to solicit comments telling me that I am a good mom. I am writing this because it happens to me and I wonder if it happens to you and what do you do about it.
I love going out with my kids and visiting with other moms and letting my kids play but so often when I do I come home and think of all the things that I do or don't do that must make me not as good as the other moms. I love reading blogs and checking Facebook but so often when I do I find myself comparing my kids to someone else's kids or my lack of social activities to someones obviously more exciting social life and I compare the way that I do things with how others do them and short change myself too much. I mean being a parent is a tough job and since there is no correct manual and just a ton of "ideas" on how to do it, my best and someone else's best can be worlds apart and while neither may be correct it is hard not to compare. Am I a bad mom because I want to send my kid to public school and I let them watch tv and they often times choose something with sugar in it for a snack-multiple times a day? Am I bad mom because we eat processed food or something that comes from a can? Am I a bad mom because my kids cry and don't always share and often times forget their manners? I am not an organic buff, or an exercise buff or a gluten free buff....heck, I am not even buff. Does that put me in the bad mom or good mom category? My kids hate hair bows and flowers, they wear the craziest outfits sometimes and they don't match. Am I bad for letting them pick out their own clothes or am I a bad mom for making them wear something "nice" for the day? I mean the list goes on and on. Who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong? Does it matter how we each do it? With some things yes but with most things there is no right or wrong. The internet makes it seem so black and white, "How to end the meltdowns" or "How to stop whining" or "How to get your kids to listen to what you say" like as if all you had to do were these 25 easy steps and your life would be perfect. I read those lists and I try and do some of the things and then I get on Pinterest or something and find out there is a whole new list of steps to try and I think, "Good grief, now what am I not doing?" I have to say that before I had really good friends and it was just me and my two little girls and we did things mainly on our own life was good and now life is still really good but man it is much harder now that we have so many others to compare to. I know I am just doing the best that I can. And I know that every other mom is too. I continually tell myself, "No ones life is all roses, everyone has their thorns, you may not visibly see them but every mom has her set of battles," and the truth be told, if I had to choose between someone else's and my own battles I would probably always decide to just stick with my own. So really there is no reason to compare at all. I guess it is just human weakness-one that seems to affect me all too often. Does it ever happen to you and what do you do to keep from falling in the comparison trap?
It is so perfect that you posted this today because I have been in this trap for a good few days now. My son starts getting antsy in the grocery store after 30 min but my cousins twins can spend 4 hrs in the store and not make a peep, what am I doing wrong I ask myself. Am I a bad mom because mine doesn't sleep through the night or comes to my room in the middle of the night & I don't force him to sleep in his own. Am I a bad mom because my son never seems to do what I ask and screams no at me? And the biggest 1 I have fought since becoming a mom is the constant battle of "am I a bad mom because I need a break from being a mom?" even typing that sentence makes me feel guilty, and I want to delete it so others won't think I'm a bad mom. I think we all battle these questions to a point, when in reality I think alot of the times we are in survival mode, trying to get buy with as few tantrums, meltdowns, and messes as possible. Trying desperately to teach our kids manners and values in the midst of diaper blowouts, screaming fits, and spilled milk. I love my son more than anything in this world but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. It is an all day all night job and your brain never quits thinking & worrying about them.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I most definitely don't think it is wrong to say you need a little "me" time. I think that having "me" time makes us better moms. Everyone who has a job gets a coffee break to give them a chance to be replenished. Man if people at any desk job had to go as long as most moms go without even a bathroom break they would quit. And I completely hear you about the time issue. Why is it that my kid only lasts for 5 mins at coloring but my friends kid doesn't ever want to stop? Why does my kid only want to play at the park for 20 mins and the other mom's kids have to be dragged away? I guess the only thing I have to say to that is that there is probably some other mom out there looking at us and wondering why their kid doesn't want to do something the same as ours. It is the nature of the beast I think. We all wish our kids were "perfect" and try so hard to raise them that way and there are plenty of frustrating things about being a mom that go along with the great things. You are not alone.
DeleteI haven't figured out how to get out of the comparison trap that I am constantly in...but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one falling in. I think we need to try harder to give ourselves credit for the things we know we are doing well. I totally think its ok for us moms to recognize we did something good tell ourselves "good job!"
ReplyDeleteThat is right Jenny and we need to say "good job" to ourselves more often. I think that the work we do seldom gets recognized cause it is just what mom is supposed to do so you often are left wondering if any of it was good, but we do a TON of great things every day and that counts for something.
DeleteAmen. It's such a conundrum. I know I'm at my limit with my three kids and yet moms all around me are on their 4th/5th/8th etc. How in the world can they handle it and I'm stressed to the max with mine?? I don't get it. But I tell myself that my imperfect kids are perfect for me and that many many people have had it much worse. I'm just glad to have the opportunity!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your perspective. I would always choose my own kids over anyone else's.
DeleteI think anything new to us comes hard at first. I always compared and of course it's not fully gone, but now that my kids are getting older I do it WAY less. It just got way to exhausting and pointless. When they were little and I was trying to figure out this "mom" thing, I would watch others, that's how we learn. But I learned that somethings worked and some didn't. I feel like it's OK to watch and learn and try things from others, but then you realize what works best for you and you are just OK with that. WAY less stress to pick and choose which things we want to try and know that it may be a complete failure and it may just be perfect for your family! It's so much more fun to get to know our kids individually and be proud of them and just love them. And I know you didn't want this, but you are an AMAZING mom...just HAD to say it. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenni. I appreciate your perspective-since you are a fabulous and seasoned mom. I never thought about it from the perspective about being a new mom and trying to figure it out but it is so true. And you are right, what works for one might not work for me-so comparing is pointless. I am trying so hard to not let someone's "success" as a parent make me feel like a failure. Instead I am just trying to be happy for them.
DeleteI am guilty of this "comparison trap" as well. (I've even compared myself to you at times!--GASP, did I just say that out loud to you??) I am like Jenni and I do it way less now that we are finished having kids. I also find it kind of awkward that younger moms are asking for advice from me. ME! I know I have six kids, but really, what are they thinking?? I'm still learning all this "mom stuff" myself! I think it is really important to just remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can, and our best is never going to be the same as someone else's. Thanks for the reminder, and I'm glad to know that I'm not alone! :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't it crazy how we always seem to think that the toast never burns at someone else's house. I have thought that of you plenty too-"this probably never happens at Allisha's house." But moms don't see each other enough at the really stressful times so it is hard to remember that it happens to everyone. I just say it out loud when everyone is melting down, "I am doing my best, I am doing my best, I am doing my best."
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