The Mommy Comparison Trap-A Real Mommy Moment

I wonder if pioneer women ever experienced mom envy or the mommy comparison trap?  What about the pilgrims or viking women? Do women in 3rd world countries ever compare themselves to each other?   I wonder if it is a "woman" thing or just something that plagues our society?  What ever it is and what ever the reason for it, I find myself doing it way too often and in the process I always feel like I fall at the bottom of the "good mommy" ladder.  Now I am not writing this to solicit comments telling me that I am a good mom.  I am writing this because it happens to me and I wonder if it happens to you and what do you do about it.

I love going out with my kids and visiting with other moms and letting my kids play but so often when I do I come home and think of all the things that I do or don't do that must make me not as good as the other moms.  I love reading blogs and checking Facebook but so often when I do I find myself comparing my kids to someone else's kids or my lack of social activities to someones obviously more exciting social life and I compare the way that I do things with how others do them and short change myself too much.   I mean being a parent is a tough job and since there is no correct manual and just a ton of "ideas" on how to do it, my best and someone else's best can be worlds apart and while neither may be correct it is hard not to compare.  Am I a bad mom because I want to send my kid to public school and I let them watch tv and they often times choose something with sugar in it for a snack-multiple times a day?  Am I bad mom because we eat processed food or something that comes from a can?  Am I a bad mom because my kids cry and don't always share and often times forget their manners?  I am not an organic buff, or an exercise buff or a gluten free buff....heck, I am not even buff.  Does that put me in the bad mom or good mom category?  My kids hate hair bows and flowers, they wear the craziest outfits sometimes and they don't match.  Am I bad for letting them pick out their own clothes or am I a bad mom for making them wear something "nice" for the day?  I mean the list goes on and on.  Who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong?  Does it matter how we each do it?  With some things yes but with most things there is no right or wrong.  The internet makes it seem so black and white, "How to end the meltdowns" or "How to stop whining" or "How to get your kids to listen to what you say" like as if all you had to do were these 25 easy steps and your life would be perfect.      I read those lists and I try and do some of the things and then I get on Pinterest or something and find out there is a whole new list of steps to try and I think, "Good grief, now what am I not doing?"  I have to say that before I had really good friends and it was just me and my two little girls and we did things mainly on our own life was good and now life is still really good but man it is much harder now that we have so many others to compare to.  I know I am just doing the best that I can.  And I know that every other mom is too.  I continually tell myself, "No ones life is all roses, everyone has their thorns, you may not visibly see them but every mom has her set of battles," and the truth be told, if I had to choose between someone else's and my own battles I would probably always decide to just stick with my own.  So really there is no reason to compare at all.  I guess it is just human weakness-one that seems to affect me all too often.  Does it ever happen to you and what do you do to keep from falling in the comparison trap?

Lessons From A Dollhouse

I have noticed from my google stats that I get the most views on craft project related posts but I have to say that since I am trying to keep it real this year on my blog if I was to only post tutorials everyday then that might lead you to believe that I actually have time to craft everyday and that simple is not true.  I am a mom first and then a crafter so I hope you will bare with some of the "other stuff" I have to say here on Small Fry.

Today I wanted to share 3 lessons I have learned over the years from my kids and their toys.

Lesson #1: 2 years ago I bought this wonderful vintage doll house set for Small Fry for Christmas.  I knew she was ready for a dollhouse but part of me also bought it because it was so stinkin cute and exactly what I would have loved as a little girl.  I got accessories, people and even a van to go with it.  I had everything perfectly set up on Christmas morning and she was ecstatic about it when she saw it but it was only a matter of minutes before I could feel my pulse increasing and my stress level rising as she proceeded to completely "trash" the whole set up as she played.  She didn't keep a single thing in it's "right" place and when she was done, everything was out of the dollhouse in a pile on the floor.  I didn't get mad but I was shocked.  How could she "wreck" the perfect dollhouse set up?  Why did she have to put the bed in the kitchen and the toilet in the living room?  Why did every single person have to be shoved in the swimming pool?  I did what every OCD mother would have done as soon as she went to be: I set it all back up.  And (because I am sometimes a slow learner) I did the same thing every day for a long time.  She would ask me to play and I would put everything in it's "proper place" before I would start.  She played with it quite a bit.  Usually everything ended up in a heap in the bins beside the house.  I would try and let it stay there until I could resist no longer and fix it all.  Eventually she just stopped playing with it.  I guess in retrospect I don't blame her with a mother always coming in and "messing" up the way she had it.  It sat unused for a while.  Finally I decided that maybe we just needed a break from the dollhouse so I packed all the accessories in a tub and folded up the house and put it in the kitchen so I could take it to the basement for a while.  I didn't get it out of the house immediately so it just sat against the wall for a couple of hours and do you know what?  This happened: the girls completely rediscovered the dollhouse.  You can't believe how much they play with it now.  It sits on top of the accessories tub until they want it down, then we unfold it and open up the box and they play play play.  And when they are done they shove everything back into the tub, slide it over and put the dollhouse back.  That is when it occurred to me that the secret to the success of this toy and any other toy is to let go of my idea of how it is supposed to be used and what it should look like and to let my kids use their imaginations to play however they feel and to be positive and complimentary at the things they come up with-I mean it would be handy to have a toilet by the oven in the kitchen in real life too.

Lesson #2: Maybe this happens at your house-you feel (as the parent) that you are living in the midst of a toy store with things scattered all over the place and yet the kids don't seem to want to use any of them.  You say, "go play with that new doll we got you" or "go play with those building blocks" or "go play with the toy kitchen" and your children seem to stare at you as if you were off your rocker.  This took me a little while to get-and consequently I have been known to buy unnecessary "new" toys to help my children have something exciting to play with-but did you know that your kids probably don't need something new at all?  When my girls stop playing with something for a while I know that it means we need to rearrange.  Yep-it is that simple.  Nothing new, no new accessories-simply moving the toys to new spots and it is like they are brand new all over again.  We have an awesome play kitchen and it has been in multiple spots in our house because when it gets boring in one spot we move it and it becomes something entirely new.  Just a month ago I simply turned the kitchen a different direction, added a little shelf for foods and the "Strawberry Cafe" was born and it has been well used and loved since.  And if you have limited space try switching things into a new box or bin, rearranging a shelf or sorting toys into new categories.  Even these little changes can reignite interest in toys.

Lesson #3: Putting things away and trading.  I am sure lots of you have read about toy rotating.  I don't do this exactly-because we actually have a base of 4 different sets of toys that the girls really like but I do swap out certain items on occasion   I will put away one item and then if the girls want it back they have to trade in something else to take it's place.  When they want the barn from the basement they might trade in a cash register or a doll in it's place.  Then they get some "new" from downstairs and play with it until it is time for it to go back.  It is an easier version of toy rotating that helps to keep toys fresh and new.

So before you give up on a toy perhaps you should try putting these 3 ideas to the test: letting go of your version of how it should be used, move it to something play new or trade part of it or all of it for something new for a while.

Teaching Kids To Craft

I am always a bit frustrated when I see kids craft projects posted on the internet that couldn't possibly have been created by a kid.  Adults make "perfect" craft projects but kids create very differently from adults and guess what?  They think their final product is amazing no matter how it looks.  I am a firm believer in letting my children express themselves as they create and even though I sometimes have to stop myself from "perfecting" their project, I encourage them to make it how they want.  So the other day when we were going to make some birthday cards for grandma I quickly whipped up this project:

I cut out all my pieces but didn't put it together.  I let my girls pick their own papers and then drew all the pieces for them to cut out.  They did the cutting of everything but the feet and black eyeballs.

Then, and we have never it done it this way before, but what we did is I showed them (instead of just telling them) what to do as I put mine together.  It worked out so well and I wasn't frustrated because they weren't following or understanding my directions.  I told them to watch and showed what to do each step and then they repeated on their pieces.  It was so much funner that way and they didn't get frustrated and want to give up because they didn't know what I was talking about.

In the end this is how their owls turned out:

Now here is a good comparison of what an adult can do verses a child.  But theirs are still adorable. I am really proud of how well they watched and followed directions.  Why didn't I think of show as you go crafting before?

After we were done I asked them to dictate to me a message from Grandma.  Don't you just love how kids just say exactly what is on their minds:

5 Dollar Savings Plan-Works For us Wednesday

Have you heard about this-the $5.00 savings plan?  I read about it on Pinterest.  The concept is that every time a $5.00 bill comes into your possession you put it away (in an envelope, jar, box, piggy bank-whatever).  That is it.  That is the savings plan.  Now, it's not like you are going to be able to retire doing this, or send a kid to college doing this but this is the perfect savings plan for things like vacations, buying Christmas gifts, a home renovation project, or to purchase a big ticket item.  My husband and I started doing this last fall and in only about 4 months had enough saved to buy all of the gifts for our kids for Christmas plus have some left over.  We don't carry a lot of cash, so we don't even always see $5.00 bills that much, but when we get one we put it right in our jar.  I don't even count it as being part of my cash.  I just stash it.  It doesn't add up overnight, so don't get tempted to count this weekly or anything but after a few months dump it and you might just be surprised how much you have.  What are we saving for this year?  We don't know yet but when we finally figure it out we will have a nice little stash to use.  Try it-it is a great extra savings plan to do right in your own home.  This would be great for kids or teens who have jobs.

Snack Time Clock

Do you hear the words, "Can I have a snack?" all day long like I do?  Seems like every time I turn around I have a child under my feet asking for a snack and my youngest little pumpkin in particular can eat a meal and then be asking for a snack 1/2 an hour later.  Drives me BANANAS!!! So I created the snack time clock and it has become the authority on snack time in our house.  It is incredibly easy to make one-though I am sure you could craft it up as much as you want.  I needed something that was visual since my kids are too young to tell time or read.  So I bought a basic face clock at Walmart for $3.95

I flipped it over and unscrewed the tiny screws on the back.

Now you can flip it back over and take off the outer ring and glass.

I painted the hour hand yellow (any bright color will work)

Then I colored my snack time sections with yellow marker and added food stickers (the fruits and veggies stickers are to trick all you readers into believing that I only feed my children those things for snacks).

Let the paint dry, replace the glass and outer ring, and screw the screws back in.  And there you have it.  Now when my kids ask for a snack I refer them to the clock.  If the yellow hand is pointing to a yellow section then they can have a snack.  If not then they have to wait (though there are sometimes exceptions).  And in case anyone is questioning my snack time hours let me explain.  We usually eat breakfast at 8:30 or 9:00 and lunch at 1:30 so an 11:00am snack time is right in between those times.  Having the whole section colored doesn't mean they can eat for an entire hour either.  The 3:00 snack time works too because we usually eat at 6:00 for dinner.  Of course you would make it work for your family.  Perhaps more snack times if you have small children or health issues.  It is just a great visual for your kids and eliminates the constant whining for snacks.  The clock now becomes the one to blame if you don't hand out food.  A quick and easy fix for something that drives every mom crazy.

3 Strikes and You're Out: An Idea for Imperfect Parenting

Before I had children I was an expert at raising them.  I knew exactly how to handle tempers and tantrums (not that my perfect children were ever going to have those) but if they did I knew that I would give them a gentle reminder to behave and on we would go skipping and whistling while we worked and played.  Fast forward to today when I am the parent of three children and have no idea what the heck I am doing and often feel that if anyone deserves to be sitting in time out it is probably me for inappropriate behavior.  You know, I love the Internet and blogs and especially Pinterest for all the ideas/information they provide you with but they also provide you with mommy overload: a bombardment of ideas that only increase a mother's feelings of insanity.  Everyone has an idea and an opinion-but how on earth do you decide which is best for you?  At one time spanking was the accepted norm, then that was labeled taboo and "time out" became the "best" discipline method.  Now I read that rather than time out we should give our kids "time in" for misbehavior.  Yelling is possibly worse than spanking.  Consequences should be funny rather than harsh.  Kids need a calm down jar or a quiet spot to journal their angry feelings and read books until they are ready to play.  Point out the good and ignore the bad.  Whatever you do don't scar your child (possibly too late for us) or damage their self esteem.  It all sounds great and very confusing and I often find myself standing in the bathroom in tears wondering what I am supposed to do and questioning my abilities as a mom.  So I am not saying that this is a good idea (and I am sure someone will think I am scarring my children with this) but I am just saying that this is an idea.  It is a "3 strikes you're out" chart.  

The basic idea is that there are often things that our kids want to do or places they want to go but they aren't immediate (like going to Grandma's to play in the afternoon, or going swimming after lunch or going on the bus with dad in the morning).  We tell the girls they must behave if they want to go (or do) but they are 4 and 3 so that goes in one ear and out the other.  I do not feel that, with them being so young, it is fair to only allow them one chance to mess up (though there are exceptions when one mess up is all it takes) but I feel like they at least deserve a few tries so my husband and I use the 3 strikes system and this chart is an easy way to keep track (so that dad doesn't come home and say they can when they can't which creates mass meltdowns) and it is a visual reminder for them that we are serious.  If you get 3 strikes you miss out-SORRY-end of story.  The blue squares are for us to X out and the line at the bottom is where we write the "privilege or activity" (once again so that we can be on the same page-so mom doesn't say no swimming this afternoon and dad doesn't say something like 'no treats at the baseball game in 2 weeks' [aren't dads great at this kinda stuff...NOT!]).  I don't use this to catch bad behavior and certainly many things slide (if they really are inconsequential).  This helps us to stick to a consequence and it eliminates the repetition of the ever popular parent phrase, "This is your last chance."  Hey and you can even take it places with you!!!  It's portable.  If this is a terrible parenting practice well then add it to the list because I am just like every other mom out there-trying to do MY best to figure out how to be a parent as I go.  I am sure it won't be the first time I "scar them for life."

Family Goals for 2013: A Better Job Chart and Warm Fuzzies

This year I wanted to incorporate a few ideas into our family that will hopefully be helpful to both kids and parents.  I am big on traditions or things that are repetitive for my kids (like things they can count on happening daily or weekly).  I wanted to improve our job chart (to make it something that was user friendly for my kids and made them more accountable) and I wanted to create a new daily tradition for our family for the dinner table that encouraged positive actions and words.  Here is what I did.

#1. The Job Chart

I found this chart at Walmart in their back to school clearance for .98 cents.  I modified it a bit by dividing the chores section into two columns (one for the to do's and one for the jobs done).   

I did a search online for job chart ideas and let me tell you there are plenty of them out there.  I needed something that was visual since my kids can't yet read.  I also needed something that I could make rather quickly.  I didn't want the process of making the job chart to be a waste of my time.  There were some really cute ideas online but I kept telling myself, "I want this to be user friendly and don't want to worry about my kids wrecking it in the process of using it."  I found this fantastic set of job pictures here at Confessions of a Homeschooler.  I printed off two sets but had them print so that I was getting 2 pages on one (because I wanted small pictures to put on my glass rocks) and I also printed out the blank cards so I could draw some of my own job ideas.

 I cut out the pictures that I wanted from the job chart cards.  I picked jobs that would be my kids everyday jobs plus a bunch of others so that they could choose two extra jobs each week.  I used a glue stick, rubbed it on the picture side, stuck it to the flat side of the glass rock and added a magnet with some superglue.

 So the idea is that they have 5 jobs which are their everyday jobs (make bed, brush teeth, get dressed, pick up toys, and preschool).  Then they each choose 2 extra jobs for the week (fold laundry, put away groceries, clean the art center, clean dollhouse area, clean bathrooms, help mom cook etc.)  Each day when they accomplish a job they move their marker to the done side.  I want to make them more accountable with their job chart so that I can say things like, "no you can't have that until I see that you have 3 jobs done."  I think the visual reminder will be really helpful to them.  I also included jobs for mom and dad because in our house everyone does jobs and some family members (dad in particular) need a little reminder of what his or her jobs are as well.  Each week at Family Home Evening the kids will choose new "extra" jobs and we will assign mom and dad new jobs.

 Idea #2: Warm Fuzzies Jar

I came up with this idea to encourage everyone in our family to focus more on the kind and positive things in our family.  Every parent knows how easy it is to tell your kids to "stop", "don't", "quit it" and to find all kinds of things that are annoying, bossy, rude or unkind.  But it harder to recognize and acknowledge all the good things (well at least it is for me-I want to but I don't always do it).  The warm fuzzy jar sits in the center of our table.  Each night at family dinner we take turns sharing kind things that we saw happen in our family during the day.  Each family member can technically share as many kind things as they want to but at some point there may have to be some monitoring if the ideas are just being shared so that someone can hear themselves talk or put a cool pom pom in a jar.  When the jar is filled we will go and do a fun family outing like go swimming, go to a movie, go out for dinner and ice cream or go to a kid museum then we will empty the jar and start again.  I am hoping that what ultimately happens in our home is that everyone works a bit harder to be kinder and to notice the kind deeds we do for each other. 

Happy 4th Blogging Anniversary to Small Fry & Co. and Some Goals for the New Year.

2013 marks the 4th year of Small Fry & Co.  It has been a rocky last year but I am looking forward to 2013 for this blog.  I am 109 followers away from 1000 which has always been my goal so I hope to reach that magical number of 1000 this year and surpass it.  As I have thought about things I want to blog in the new year it has become more and more important to me make sure that what I am blogging about is real and honest and helpful.  I don't ever want anyone to read my blog and then feel guilty because they may not be able to achieve something so "perfect" in their home (oh if you only knew).  I think that the more kids you have, the more prone you are to label yourself as a "bad" parent.  You aren't-and you aren't trying to be but let's face it-it doesn't get easier with more kids, it just gets crazier.  Moms are too hard on themselves for sure-me included.  I have read blogs which portray everything as perfect-the house is always clean, the furniture matches and is gorgeous, the food probably is never burned, and the art work is happily displayed on the walls (instead of stuffed behind the lotion bottle on the bathroom counter).  They seem to have time to do it all and come up with gorgeous projects that I love but can't afford to reproduce and don't have the time (or equipment) to reproduce.  So my hope is that when you read Small Fry you don't feel like it is a place that makes you feel like you have to do more and be more than you are already trying to do and be. I want you to feel inspired but not overwhelmed.  I hope I can offer cute, fun, hopefully easy ideas and as many of them as possible to make your home that much better but I never want you to leave Small Fry thinking that you are not doing a good job.  So this year I am making an extra special effort to keep it real.  I love this blog- I have tried to give it up a couple of times and it just keeps coming back to me which tells me that it is something that I am supposed to do but there is a price to pay for writing a blog.  People always ask me, "How do you find the time?" and the truth is that I go to bed at midnight sometimes and I wake up at 5:30 or 6:00 am to try and blog for a few minutes before the baby cries and I go all day long-I multi-task, I don't sit down and watch tv or read-I am just always doing something (that is just how I am-I always have a hundred irons in the fire at once).  It is time consuming and to write a craft blog it is really time consuming.  Right now the only free time I seem to have is at night and that is not conducive to taking step by step pictures and since it is winter I seem to have more free dark hours than anything else so bare with me-fabulous tutorials will come once again-I PROMISE.  For now, how's this for keeping it real:

Now enough blogging for this morning: I have 3 of these that have been waiting to be put away for a few days.  Maybe I will get to them today.  The baby is crying-gotta run.  Thanks for your support of 

Small Fry & Co.  It is going to be a great year.

Oh Sensitive Child..Who is Making Progress: A real Mommy Moment

If you have been reading Small Fry for a while you may recall this post about my super sensitive child.  I am so grateful for all the great people who shared comments and advice with me about what was an overwhelming issue at the time.  The other day when we were out of town staying at a hotel I was snapping some pictures of Small Fry holding Mr. T and realized that I was capturing a picture of something a few months ago I thought would never happen again with her.  Look close at the picture.  Can you tell what she is wearing on her legs?  Jeans.  She is wearing blue jeans.  After a year and a half of only soft pants I have finally got her to wear blue jeans again.  It just happened.  We got some in a hand me down bag and I asked her if she wanted to surprise daddy and her friend and her friends mom and wear blue jeans one day and she said yes.  I made it into a huge deal.  We danced, I squealed in delight and I praised her the entire day for being so brave to try something new.  I honestly thought it would never happen but you know (just like many people said in comments on my original post) she grew out of that particular issue and actually is making strides in many areas.  She washes her hands (not with soap yet but at least she will wash them), she doesn't mind lotion when she has an itch, she will wipe off water around the sink that she doesn't like on her own if it is bothering her, she doesn't have to wear an undershirt every day and she has even tried on some cute clothes that have elastic around the sleeves and though she thinks it will bother her she forgets about it quickly.  I have a couple of things to thank for the changes that I see in her.  #1-being patient (as patient as I could be most days) with the sensitivity. #2-being part of something outside of home like ballet lessons.  She is interacting with other kids and seeing what others are doing and I think that has been a good influence. #3-She has a friend.  She has never had a friend her age up until a few months ago and God smiled on us and sent her a friend and one for me too and I think it has been so good for her because she wants to be like her friend and is willing to do a bit more because of it.  We still have a long way to go but what once felt like a huge pit of never ending pickiness now has eased up a ton and I hope it will only continue to get better.  I wish that it could be the same way for everyone out there that has to deal with these kind of issues.  They are sure exhausting. At least in my case, waiting in out without losing it over every little thing has brought us to the point we are at today and I am so thankful.