Jun 7, 2012

Countdown to baby

WARNING: This post is candid and honest.  If you can't handle that then pass it by.

So I have been thinking lately about how excited I am to have this little boy in my arms.  I am so excited to have a baby in our house again.  My girls are excited.  My hubby is over the moon excited.  I am feeling fine with changing diapers (though I have no idea what to do with changing boys), and getting up at night, and blow out's and spit up.  But actually having to bring the baby into the world, as in push him out of my body does not sound the least bit appealing to me in any way right now.  In fact I just plain don't want to have to do it.  I am searching high and low for some other option besides pushing him out or having him cut out but have not seemed to find any luck in the matter.  If you happen to know an alternative route please let me know cause I am looking for anything right now.  I know they say that you forget the pain of birth after it happens and that is why women go on to have multiple babies (plus there really aren't any other options) but let me tell you people, I have not forgotten.  I had both of my girls naturally and I will be darned if I do that again.  It was my choice both times.  I mainly did it out of fear of feeling inferior to friends that are "all natural" girls.  I didn't want to be the one they were talking about as "not knowing what she is doing to her child" by having drugs during the birth process.  With Small Fry it was long and hard but she was transverse and so the doctor assured me had she been turned the right way it would have been much easier.  I felt a bit of pride having actually done it and decided that I could probably do it again with a baby turned the right direction.  So when it came time to have my little pumpkin I was set to do it again but this time experienced the worst back labor ever and was so super exhausted by the time I had to push that I thought I was going to die.  Plus my little pumpkin came out on her shoulder.  I remember in the last few minutes of pushing I said, "Heavenly Father I either need to get this baby out or let me die cause I can't take it any more."  And she was born and I didn't even want to hold her because I was bawling, so grateful it was over.  The year following her birth was extremely hard for me.  I had post partum depression for almost a good part of the year.  I hated breast feeding and had to stop because I was feeling so resentful towards my little baby every time I had to do it.  I didn't hold or snuggle her nearly enough.  We were not bonded.  In fact I would make myself go into her room while she was sleeping and list off things that I loved about her because I was so overwhelmed and emotional and frustrated that they didn't come to my mind easily at all.   I suffered alone-no one knew.  My husband always told me he just thought I was tired.  But there were times that I was ready to pack up and take off-only I didn't have any place that I could go.  When she approached her 1st birthday I finally started to see that I was getting out of the biggest low I had ever been in, in my life.  So I think all of that plays into not wanting to actually have to give birth either.  I don't want to have to go through all of that again.  I feel very blessed that God has trusted me enough to let me have another child to redeem myself as the mother of a new born.  And by all means I don't feel the slightest bit inferior for planning on having drugs this time.  And if you will pardon me for just as second as I step on my soapbox I just have to say that I think that giving birth is such a completely personal thing and such a completely personal decision that no one has the right to ever say that it can only be done in one way, or that there is one best way in which to do it.  The same goes for feeding your baby, to what kind of diapers you use, to how you have them sleep, to what you have them wear.  I know some people have strong opinions in one regard or another but it is a sensitive and personal thing and should not ever be open for public scrutiny (in my opinion).  And now I will step down.
Having said all that, I was on Pinterest the other day and came across a blog post about things that one must do in her last weeks of pregnancy and it made me laugh (because they are so true) and also nearly cry because it means I will have to experience so many of them all too soon.  If you are a first time mom, you need to read this because there is a good chance there are some things no one has told you.  Oh and take time to read the comments because they are also very informative.  You can go here to read the post.  And while you are at it check out this post as well on 10 Things No one Told you About Giving Birth (don't read it with your children around okay-there is one photo that is not kid appropriate but it portrays exactly how I felt while breast feeding).  It is a candid post-if you can't hack it don't go.
And just so that I haven't sent anyone into a state of panic over my own mental state-I know I will have to give birth and I will do it and it will be fine.  I just want my little man in my arms so that I can hold and snuggle him and kiss him as much as I possibly can because I am so grateful that I get another chance to do it.
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  1. Don't let anyone question your choices as a mother. I had all 3 of my kids heavy on drugs, because my labors don't progress. Apparently I'm "too tense." Having a baby is hard work. Good for you for doing it again, knowing that.

  2. You're awesome! Thanks for sharing your story, I never knew. You are just such an amazing mom with amazing girls, we definitely have help from above - that's for SURE, because it is super hard. I'm excited to meet your little one, too! :)

  3. I started writing you a super long comment and then decided to just email you. So you have an email from me too. But I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I think it's important we as women talk about these things and let other people know it's okay to talk about! You are one of the best moms I know and such a good example to me.

  4. I too had a very difficult time with my son after he was born. The feelings of loneliness with my husband working long hours and sleeping the rest and no family around it was the hardest time in my life. there were many times I was guilt ridden because everyone told me how wonderful motherhood and breastfeeding were and while I loved my son more than life itself there were many times I didn't feel that wonderfullness. there were many sleepless nights (due to his severe lack of sleeping)and stress filled days I resented my husband for not being there to help me and resented breastfeeding because of the pain and that all his feedings were on my shoulders. I look forward to future pregnancies so that I too can redeem myself and be the mom I couldn't be back then. I think every woman's 1st year after a baby can be one of the hardest whether it's their 1st or 10th baby, and we mainly suffer in silence for fear someone will think we aren't good mom's. I have been open with family members & friends since going through everything and most of them still have no idea what i went through or why I felt the way i did but i know i'm not alone. I think it's important for us all to know we are not alone and not failures and not bad moms. We are all just human but with elevated hormones, emotions, and intense sleep deprivation. Thank you for writing this post

  5. I admire you for sharing your story. I myself have 3 children and am expecting my 4th August 10. My first child I had naturally and it was a long 36 hrs of labor + 4 hrs of pushing. I was so physically worn out that I could barely hold her. My next 2 children I opted for the epidural because I wanted a speedy labor and delivery. Each time has been faster and I have been able to enjoy my babies more after. In fact, my 3rd child I had her pushed out in 10 minutes (mostly thanks to my wonderful OB I switched to) and she was 9 1/2 pounds! I am anxious for this 4th one to be here--she will be my last child. I am nervous about having a larger baby (hopefully not bigger than the last one)!
    I agree with you though--birthing, feeding and raising your child is so personal. Everyone has an opinion, but it is ultimately left up to you and your spouse. I really hope and pray that you have a wonderful birth experience this time around! Do not feel badly if you decide to take an epidural. It is really your choice.
    I have received some slack from some friends because I did not go naturally all 3 times so far, but oh well. I knew it would be faster and easier for me. I did not want to have a 2 day labor and stress out myself or my baby.
    Good luck to you! I look forward to reading about your next birth experience! :-)

  6. I was just there one year ago. Wondering what was going to happen to me. Allisha was gone at the hospital, and I thought that could be me too. I worried, and I wondered, and it was a very hard time in my life. Maybe it was the third baby, I don't know. Carter is such a calm baby, and he didn't move around like Byron, and i often wondered if he was still in there. How is this all going to pan out. I didn't want yet another C-Section, and on and on went the list. Luckly, I have a very pacient husband who loves me, and would pray for me. He also gave me a blessing, which helped a ton. Us as women sometimes think we need to be wonderwomen. At least I do, and I was having a hard time doing it, and keeping it all together. Things may not be as bad as you think they will be. I thought everything would be horriable when I had Carter, but they were wonderful. I needed him in my life more then I ever thought possiable. He bring so much joy to our family. The wait is hard, but so worth it. Just keep trying, you will get there. You are not preganat forever. If you need a cool place to bring your girls and hang out for a while you are welcome at my house. I know you will love and enjoy that little boy. You are very blessed. You are a very good mother!

  7. Thank you for being honest!! I had two kids, both VERY LARGE, and thank the heavens I opted for an epidural. I couldn't have done it any other way. No way, no how. I too suffered what was probably PPD after my first but didn't realize until I was out of it. Looking back, I don't know how I stayed, how I functioned. But with my second, no trace of it, so there's a good chance you won't feel that again. Best of luck and enjoy your drugs!!! :)

  8. I have 4 kids and the 1st one I had natural because I like you wanted to be a hero. It hurt like NOTHING I've ever gone through before and I promised myself I would NEVER do that to myself again! I had my last 3 with and Epidural and it was HEAVEN. If I could handle the result of more babies I would have had many more if it meant an epidural but I am good with the 4 I have. With my 4th one I had post pardom and had to be on meds for about 6 months. It was the best thing I did for myself and my kids. Don't be ashamed of the choices you make for yourself and your family. There are reasons children come to us and Heavenly Father knows that we are the ones who will be able to take care of them best. If you do the Epidural you will be SO happy you did, it's like night and day, actually makes it all very enjoyable! Good Luck!!

  9. Finally! Someone who isn't enthralled with how "powerful" or "beautiful" or "so natural and wonderful" a natural birth is. I was really sick with my first and had an epidural because I couldn't face anything else. I was feeling guilty and wondering, now weeks away from delivering my second, if I was missing out or being a terrible mommy for wanting an epidural again. Your candid opinion really helped me trust myself again. I am not one for pain, and the epidural last time made labor and delivery the best part of my pregnancy. Thank you again, you reminded me I am not alone.

  10. Whole heartily agree with this post! I had my first child (girl) with morphine and epidural, and very much wanted it with my second (boy - almost didn't make it to the hospital). I remember with both when they handed the child to me (all covered with afterbirth) looking at my husband and thinking "ok, I'm good - you take it now."

    LOVED the 10 things about birth list!!!! So true!


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