So I have been thinking lately about how excited I am to have this little boy in my arms. I am so excited to have a baby in our house again. My girls are excited. My hubby is over the moon excited. I am feeling fine with changing diapers (though I have no idea what to do with changing boys), and getting up at night, and blow out's and spit up. But actually having to bring the baby into the world, as in push him out of my body does not sound the least bit appealing to me in any way right now. In fact I just plain don't want to have to do it. I am searching high and low for some other option besides pushing him out or having him cut out but have not seemed to find any luck in the matter. If you happen to know an alternative route please let me know cause I am looking for anything right now. I know they say that you forget the pain of birth after it happens and that is why women go on to have multiple babies (plus there really aren't any other options) but let me tell you people, I have not forgotten. I had both of my girls naturally and I will be darned if I do that again. It was my choice both times. I mainly did it out of fear of feeling inferior to friends that are "all natural" girls. I didn't want to be the one they were talking about as "not knowing what she is doing to her child" by having drugs during the birth process. With Small Fry it was long and hard but she was transverse and so the doctor assured me had she been turned the right way it would have been much easier. I felt a bit of pride having actually done it and decided that I could probably do it again with a baby turned the right direction. So when it came time to have my little pumpkin I was set to do it again but this time experienced the worst back labor ever and was so super exhausted by the time I had to push that I thought I was going to die. Plus my little pumpkin came out on her shoulder. I remember in the last few minutes of pushing I said, "Heavenly Father I either need to get this baby out or let me die cause I can't take it any more." And she was born and I didn't even want to hold her because I was bawling, so grateful it was over. The year following her birth was extremely hard for me. I had post partum depression for almost a good part of the year. I hated breast feeding and had to stop because I was feeling so resentful towards my little baby every time I had to do it. I didn't hold or snuggle her nearly enough. We were not bonded. In fact I would make myself go into her room while she was sleeping and list off things that I loved about her because I was so overwhelmed and emotional and frustrated that they didn't come to my mind easily at all. I suffered alone-no one knew. My husband always told me he just thought I was tired. But there were times that I was ready to pack up and take off-only I didn't have any place that I could go. When she approached her 1st birthday I finally started to see that I was getting out of the biggest low I had ever been in, in my life. So I think all of that plays into not wanting to actually have to give birth either. I don't want to have to go through all of that again. I feel very blessed that God has trusted me enough to let me have another child to redeem myself as the mother of a new born. And by all means I don't feel the slightest bit inferior for planning on having drugs this time. And if you will pardon me for just as second as I step on my soapbox I just have to say that I think that giving birth is such a completely personal thing and such a completely personal decision that no one has the right to ever say that it can only be done in one way, or that there is one best way in which to do it. The same goes for feeding your baby, to what kind of diapers you use, to how you have them sleep, to what you have them wear. I know some people have strong opinions in one regard or another but it is a sensitive and personal thing and should not ever be open for public scrutiny (in my opinion). And now I will step down.
Having said all that, I was on Pinterest the other day and came across a blog post about things that one must do in her last weeks of pregnancy and it made me laugh (because they are so true) and also nearly cry because it means I will have to experience so many of them all too soon. If you are a first time mom, you need to read this because there is a good chance there are some things no one has told you. Oh and take time to read the comments because they are also very informative. You can go here to read the post. And while you are at it check out this post as well on 10 Things No one Told you About Giving Birth (don't read it with your children around okay-there is one photo that is not kid appropriate but it portrays exactly how I felt while breast feeding). It is a candid post-if you can't hack it don't go.
And just so that I haven't sent anyone into a state of panic over my own mental state-I know I will have to give birth and I will do it and it will be fine. I just want my little man in my arms so that I can hold and snuggle him and kiss him as much as I possibly can because I am so grateful that I get another chance to do it.