The Mommy Comparison Trap-A Real Mommy Moment

I wonder if pioneer women ever experienced mom envy or the mommy comparison trap?  What about the pilgrims or viking women? Do women in 3rd world countries ever compare themselves to each other?   I wonder if it is a "woman" thing or just something that plagues our society?  What ever it is and what ever the reason for it, I find myself doing it way too often and in the process I always feel like I fall at the bottom of the "good mommy" ladder.  Now I am not writing this to solicit comments telling me that I am a good mom.  I am writing this because it happens to me and I wonder if it happens to you and what do you do about it.

I love going out with my kids and visiting with other moms and letting my kids play but so often when I do I come home and think of all the things that I do or don't do that must make me not as good as the other moms.  I love reading blogs and checking Facebook but so often when I do I find myself comparing my kids to someone else's kids or my lack of social activities to someones obviously more exciting social life and I compare the way that I do things with how others do them and short change myself too much.   I mean being a parent is a tough job and since there is no correct manual and just a ton of "ideas" on how to do it, my best and someone else's best can be worlds apart and while neither may be correct it is hard not to compare.  Am I a bad mom because I want to send my kid to public school and I let them watch tv and they often times choose something with sugar in it for a snack-multiple times a day?  Am I bad mom because we eat processed food or something that comes from a can?  Am I a bad mom because my kids cry and don't always share and often times forget their manners?  I am not an organic buff, or an exercise buff or a gluten free buff....heck, I am not even buff.  Does that put me in the bad mom or good mom category?  My kids hate hair bows and flowers, they wear the craziest outfits sometimes and they don't match.  Am I bad for letting them pick out their own clothes or am I a bad mom for making them wear something "nice" for the day?  I mean the list goes on and on.  Who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong?  Does it matter how we each do it?  With some things yes but with most things there is no right or wrong.  The internet makes it seem so black and white, "How to end the meltdowns" or "How to stop whining" or "How to get your kids to listen to what you say" like as if all you had to do were these 25 easy steps and your life would be perfect.      I read those lists and I try and do some of the things and then I get on Pinterest or something and find out there is a whole new list of steps to try and I think, "Good grief, now what am I not doing?"  I have to say that before I had really good friends and it was just me and my two little girls and we did things mainly on our own life was good and now life is still really good but man it is much harder now that we have so many others to compare to.  I know I am just doing the best that I can.  And I know that every other mom is too.  I continually tell myself, "No ones life is all roses, everyone has their thorns, you may not visibly see them but every mom has her set of battles," and the truth be told, if I had to choose between someone else's and my own battles I would probably always decide to just stick with my own.  So really there is no reason to compare at all.  I guess it is just human weakness-one that seems to affect me all too often.  Does it ever happen to you and what do you do to keep from falling in the comparison trap?

3 Strikes and You're Out: An Idea for Imperfect Parenting

Before I had children I was an expert at raising them.  I knew exactly how to handle tempers and tantrums (not that my perfect children were ever going to have those) but if they did I knew that I would give them a gentle reminder to behave and on we would go skipping and whistling while we worked and played.  Fast forward to today when I am the parent of three children and have no idea what the heck I am doing and often feel that if anyone deserves to be sitting in time out it is probably me for inappropriate behavior.  You know, I love the Internet and blogs and especially Pinterest for all the ideas/information they provide you with but they also provide you with mommy overload: a bombardment of ideas that only increase a mother's feelings of insanity.  Everyone has an idea and an opinion-but how on earth do you decide which is best for you?  At one time spanking was the accepted norm, then that was labeled taboo and "time out" became the "best" discipline method.  Now I read that rather than time out we should give our kids "time in" for misbehavior.  Yelling is possibly worse than spanking.  Consequences should be funny rather than harsh.  Kids need a calm down jar or a quiet spot to journal their angry feelings and read books until they are ready to play.  Point out the good and ignore the bad.  Whatever you do don't scar your child (possibly too late for us) or damage their self esteem.  It all sounds great and very confusing and I often find myself standing in the bathroom in tears wondering what I am supposed to do and questioning my abilities as a mom.  So I am not saying that this is a good idea (and I am sure someone will think I am scarring my children with this) but I am just saying that this is an idea.  It is a "3 strikes you're out" chart.  

The basic idea is that there are often things that our kids want to do or places they want to go but they aren't immediate (like going to Grandma's to play in the afternoon, or going swimming after lunch or going on the bus with dad in the morning).  We tell the girls they must behave if they want to go (or do) but they are 4 and 3 so that goes in one ear and out the other.  I do not feel that, with them being so young, it is fair to only allow them one chance to mess up (though there are exceptions when one mess up is all it takes) but I feel like they at least deserve a few tries so my husband and I use the 3 strikes system and this chart is an easy way to keep track (so that dad doesn't come home and say they can when they can't which creates mass meltdowns) and it is a visual reminder for them that we are serious.  If you get 3 strikes you miss out-SORRY-end of story.  The blue squares are for us to X out and the line at the bottom is where we write the "privilege or activity" (once again so that we can be on the same page-so mom doesn't say no swimming this afternoon and dad doesn't say something like 'no treats at the baseball game in 2 weeks' [aren't dads great at this kinda stuff...NOT!]).  I don't use this to catch bad behavior and certainly many things slide (if they really are inconsequential).  This helps us to stick to a consequence and it eliminates the repetition of the ever popular parent phrase, "This is your last chance."  Hey and you can even take it places with you!!!  It's portable.  If this is a terrible parenting practice well then add it to the list because I am just like every other mom out there-trying to do MY best to figure out how to be a parent as I go.  I am sure it won't be the first time I "scar them for life."

Oh Sensitive Child..Who is Making Progress: A real Mommy Moment

If you have been reading Small Fry for a while you may recall this post about my super sensitive child.  I am so grateful for all the great people who shared comments and advice with me about what was an overwhelming issue at the time.  The other day when we were out of town staying at a hotel I was snapping some pictures of Small Fry holding Mr. T and realized that I was capturing a picture of something a few months ago I thought would never happen again with her.  Look close at the picture.  Can you tell what she is wearing on her legs?  Jeans.  She is wearing blue jeans.  After a year and a half of only soft pants I have finally got her to wear blue jeans again.  It just happened.  We got some in a hand me down bag and I asked her if she wanted to surprise daddy and her friend and her friends mom and wear blue jeans one day and she said yes.  I made it into a huge deal.  We danced, I squealed in delight and I praised her the entire day for being so brave to try something new.  I honestly thought it would never happen but you know (just like many people said in comments on my original post) she grew out of that particular issue and actually is making strides in many areas.  She washes her hands (not with soap yet but at least she will wash them), she doesn't mind lotion when she has an itch, she will wipe off water around the sink that she doesn't like on her own if it is bothering her, she doesn't have to wear an undershirt every day and she has even tried on some cute clothes that have elastic around the sleeves and though she thinks it will bother her she forgets about it quickly.  I have a couple of things to thank for the changes that I see in her.  #1-being patient (as patient as I could be most days) with the sensitivity. #2-being part of something outside of home like ballet lessons.  She is interacting with other kids and seeing what others are doing and I think that has been a good influence. #3-She has a friend.  She has never had a friend her age up until a few months ago and God smiled on us and sent her a friend and one for me too and I think it has been so good for her because she wants to be like her friend and is willing to do a bit more because of it.  We still have a long way to go but what once felt like a huge pit of never ending pickiness now has eased up a ton and I hope it will only continue to get better.  I wish that it could be the same way for everyone out there that has to deal with these kind of issues.  They are sure exhausting. At least in my case, waiting in out without losing it over every little thing has brought us to the point we are at today and I am so thankful.

The Best Form of Discipline I have Found-A Real Mommy Moment

I thought as my kids got older they were supposed to be over their "terribles" but that doesn't appear to be the case.  Consequently I find myself searching out discipline ideas and tactics for handling the "strong willed" child more than ever before.  But of all the things I have found and read and tried this one seems to always work best: paying attention to my children.  It seems like for every 10 minutes of quality time I give them I get 20 minutes of peace and calm and kindness and playing well together in return.  It is when I am trying to "get things done" that I spend so much of my time settling arguments, setting time out buzzers, calming down a meltdown and comforting a crying child, not to mention trying to get my own emotions under control and not flying off the handle.  When I take time to watch the latest crazy dance, or play a game, or push swings, or color on the couch I have far less discipline problems.  I am not saying they are gone entirely but they are much less and I feel better about myself as a mom because I am not tense and angry and I am doing what is most important for a mom to do: pay attention to her kids.  Case in point: Small Fry was having a day.  I think she had been in time out a few times and had been sent to her room a few times to calm down until she was ready to talk nice and not scream and kick and be rude.  Time after time she came back to find me and stomp her foot and clench her teeth and scream at me or her sister.  Finally while she was in her room again the thought came to my mind, "the tea set" and I said to my husband, "is there something that you can do with pumpkin for a few minutes so that I can do something just will small fry and give her the attention that I know she is needing right now?"  He agreed.  I went in to talk to her about not acting the way she was and how I needed her to say she was sorry for how she was acting and use kind words and she was crying and just wanted to be held.  I told her that when she was ready to be calm then she and I would go on a special date to run some errands and buy some cookies so that we could all have a family tea party.  She was super excited about that idea.  (Now in case you are thinking this, I did not feel that the tea party was a reward for her acting the way she was.  I felt that she had fully mended the damage done to the best of her 4 year old ability and used the tea party as a much needed time for us to be together in hopes that it would lessen any future outbursts for the day).  We went to run errands while my husband took pumpkin to the school with him where she got to be the center of attention.  We bought cookies that small fry picked out and grapes and got home and got the tea set all ready.  We found extra stuffed animals to have as guests to the party and were ready and waiting when sissy and dad got home.  Then we all sat on the floor for a fabulous party complete with spills and pinkies up in the air.  It was wonderful.  The girls loved every second and the best part of all was that we didn't have another incident with tantrums or melt downs for the rest of the day.

It is not nearly as easy to play with my kids as I thought it would be before having kids.  It takes time and creativity and effort but man does it ever make a difference.  They would have me be at their beckon call all day long if it was up to them and that just isn't possible but when I make time with them-and do some of the things they want, or come up with a creative thing for us to do together we just have better days, and I can't think of an easier form of discipline.  Put it to the test.

Oh the Sensitive Child: A real mommy moment

I know that I have it easy compared to the mothers out there that have to take care of children with birth defects, long term illnesses and mental disabilities.  I don't envy them in the slightest but have such a sense of awe towards them for what they do on a daily basis.  I do however have my own set of challenges (as we each do) and though it probably seems insignificant to many it is very exhausting and frustrating to me.  It is my little sensitive souls that I am raising.  And I am not talking about sensitive as in emotions.  I am talking about having a child that no longer wants to wear pants that have seams in them because they itch (if someone has a solution to that problem please let me know), who won't even step foot into something if she sees that it has a tag, that has to have on an undershirt under every top that has a button, seam, decoration or ruffle and who sometimes won't even try it on even if there is an undershirt because it looks like there is a button, seam, decoration or ruffle.  The child that doesn't want you to touch her with wet hands or hands that have lotion or smell like they might have had lotion, who won't always give you a kiss because you "smell", who does not want to wash her hands and if you can convince her too she refuses to use soap (try explaining that to teachers), the child that doesn't like cheese but likes grated up cheese, but doesn't like the rice kind of grated up cheese (which has somehow turned into every kind of grated up cheese though she still insists you buy the right kind only you have no idea what the right kind is cause you don't have a clue what "rice" kind of grated up cheese is).  She has a meltdown if she gets a drop of water on her because she doesn't like to be wet.  She won't even spit in the sink if there is a spot of water on the side by her.  She doesn't like it when my hair is wet and might touch her and she doesn't like it when it is dry and smells like something.  She is the child that prior to my own child raising years I would have labeled as a big brat.  Now I am dumbfounded as to how this even happened and what I am to do about it.  Plus she is influencing her little sister and now I have two little "tag Nazis" who have to have the tags cut off of everything.  I hate getting dressed time because I don't know what to pick and I hate getting something half way on only to have a meltdown and a complete switch to something new.  I used to feel some sort of doom that my child would be the one wearing sweat pants until she was 10 but now I am just grateful there is a type of pants that she does want to put on.  Is it giving in every time?  I have found it near to impossible to do anything else.  I don't find it necessary to have a battle for her to wash her hands with soap.  Antibacterial wipes seem to be a good substitution thus far.  If I do say "you are putting this on no matter what" she sometimes will, only to fall down and scream because it is itching her.  That is not helpful when you are trying to get out the door.  Like I said I know it is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it is so frustrating and sometimes a bit hurtful raising one of these sensitive little souls.  How do I manage?  At some point she is going to have to do things even if she doesn't like them just because that is how it is.  Should I be pushing it more right now?  Am I raising a big brat?  If so I never in a million years meant to do it.

Excercise-Blahh - A Real Mommy Moment

I hate to exercise.  I really wish that I didn't; that I was one of those people who actually enjoys running but I am not.  Every morning my good intentions come to a grinding halt when I step out of bed and feel like I have two cinder blocks at the bottom of my legs.  I love to walk and take my girls on long walks nearly every day and I love to ride my bike even more and try and do that too-though now both of my girls won't fit in our bike trailer and the sun doesn't come up early enough for me to ride before my hubby has to leave for work so that has come to a halt as well.  I am just going to be honest and say that the exercise that I do manage to do is only to maintain the body that I have (because for some reason my body does not and pretty much refuses to shrink in size-does yours do that?) and so that I can throw around the word "exercise" in a conversation and feel a bit better about myself.  You know like at church, "I was out getting some exercise the other morning when I had this major impression..." or at the library, "Ya, I remembered that I needed to drop off my books this morning as I was out getting some exercise" or on the phone with my neighbor, "I am sorry I missed your call this morning, I was out getting my exercise."  But the truth really is, I think exercising is the pits and if Heavenly Father decided we never had to do it ever again I wouldn't argue.  I would be perfectly content just walking because it is fun to do and not because I have to get my exercise.

Rapunzel Rapunzel Let Down Your Hair (or not)-A real mommy moment

I posted previously about my frustration with the Rapunzel doll and her rats nest of hair.  I had a bunch of wonderful comments with suggestions of how to get it un"tangled".  I put them to the test but to no avail-that hair was so knotted and twisted it was just not coming out.  So I asked small fry if I should cut it and she said yes so that it could be short like her hair.  I asked 3 times to make sure and each time she answered yes and so....

behold Rapunzel with a new hair style and Brittany I did pause for half a second with the first snip to see if it would all go dark and it didn't-total bummer cause that would have been so cool.  I am sure there are some moms gasping that I could do such a thing and probably I should have just taken better care of it in the first place but let me just tell you that I have no time for such things.  When we first got this doll (bless you my brother) I spent plenty of time combing and braiding her hair but it always got messed up again and I so I had to just let it go and let it be what it would be.  Barbie hair is not on my priority list and to be honest my daughter has played more with Rapunzel with the short hair do than she did with the mop of frizz.  I have learned as a mom that you can't keep the toys perfect forever (why did you buy them if that was the intention) so why waste your energy.  Yes I don't want things trashed but if the kids are playing with them then why do I need to stress if all the little parts are still there or are lost, or if all the playdough colors get mixed together or if the doll is wearing some other dolls clothes or none at all.  I am letting it go and whacking off any frizzy hair that gets in my way and I am not wasting any more energy on it.  The end.

Swimming with my Kids-A Real Mommy Moment

This body is never ever going to win a swimsuit competition and quite frankly I don't like how it looks at all in a swimsuit.  Jillian Michaels tells me that going swim suit shopping will motivate me to do the 30 Day Shred even more and to really push it during my workouts.  To Jillian I would just like to say that for the average woman going swim suit shopping is more likely to make her feel miserable and depressed and give her a good reason to stop by the Dairy Queen for a blizzard as a pick me up treat on the way home.  However with that said my girls love swimming whether it is in a small backyard pool or at a public swim park (also another great motivator for a Dairy Queen pick me up treat on the way home).  I read once in a magazine that as a mom you should not let your own insecurities keep you from getting in the water with your kids.  They don't care what you look like in a swim suit.  All they care about is that mommy is swimming with them.  I loved that idea when I read it and have taken it as my own since then.  My girls will not remember what I looked like in my swim suit or that my thighs were too big or my swimsuit was too unflattering.  But they will remember that mom took the time to swim with them and play with them in the water.  I remember it about my mom and I am sure she never felt comfortable in a swim suit either.  I recently talked to a mom who was temporarily staying in a hotel while her family looked for a new home after a move.  I said, "well at least you can go swimming all you want."  She said that she did not take her kids swimming.  Her reason-she said that she used to be a size 4 and she no longer was and she did not want to get in a swim suit.  Sad and such a shame.  Don't let it happen to you.  Put on your swim suit, forget yourself and get swimming with your kids.  There are memories to be made.  Remember-everyone else at the pool is too worried about making sure their butt can't be seen to be looking at yours. 

Keeping Calm-A Real Mommy Moment

I would like to say I am one of "those moms" who doesn't lose her cool or patience when her sweet daughter finally comes to brush her teeth after being asked 7 times and because she is so preoccupied with trying to see how far down she can stick her head through the toilet seat while spitting that she drops her new Dora toothbrush in the toilet.  I wish I could say I didn't let it throw me for even one second but the truth is...I am just not there yet.  Still working on the keeping calm.

Getting Your Kids to Eat-A real mommy momment.

Probably every mom has encountered this challenge at some time-getting your kids to eat what is on their plate.  I know there are a bazillion theories and ideas out there (thank you but I don't need any lectures on how yours is better than mine).  And I don't believe for a moment that kids eating or not eating is a reflection on how good of a parent you are.  Kids are people too and have their own ideas and opinions.  I know Small Fry ate pretty much everything as a baby and as a toddler but as soon as she figured out she had a say then things changed.  She still eats pretty good but she definitely has her likes and dislikes and is pretty adamant in her refusals to try some things.  So then the question arises-how on earth are you supposed to get a child like her to eat what you have cooked for a meal?  Do you become a short order cook and make a separate meal for each child?  Do you only cook "kid" food for every meal?  Do you buy a Happy Meal for every meal?  What to do???? I am no expert by any means.  If it was up to my kids we'd have Mac and Cheese and chicken nuggets for every meal (which we don't!!).  I have found two principles that work in our house.
#1. If you call a food something that your kids like, know or will eat and it looks, smells or tastes similar to that name they are more likely to eat it.  For example I make baked oatmeal for breakfast.  It is crunchy as opposed to goopy like regular oatmeal.  I tell Small Fry we are having oatmeal cookie for breakfast and she could do back flips she is so excited.  She knows it is not a cookie, she knows what I am talking about but when I say we are having just oatmeal I don't get nearly the reaction.  Simple.  She doesn't like ham-well she thinks she doesn't like ham.  If I ask her if she wants some lunch meat ham she will say no.  If I ask her if she would like some lunch meat turkey (and actually give her ham) she will say yes and gobble it all up.  She likes turkey but not ham.  If I tell her she is eating ham (like call it that by mistake) she will correct me and say, "No this is turkey."  She loves spaghetti and lasagna.  If we are having spaghetti I call it just that and she is thrilled.  If we are having any other type of noodle with a tomato sauce and meat I call it lasagna and she is thrilled.  No other fancy names needed.
#2. The principle of leverage (some may call this bribing-I don't think they are the same thing and again spare me the lecture if you feel one coming on). When I am serving a meal that includes something that I know my kids may not try of their own free will and choice or that they may not eat because they like something else on their plate better (for example not want to eat the potato but want to eat all the meat) I also serve something that I know they will love (like a bowl of strawberries or an apple, or bread and jam or just bread, crackers, cheese etc etc-not candy or pop or juice or dessert items during dinner).  I then use the item I know they will love as leverage to get them to eat what I want them to eat.  "I need you to eat two bites of potato and then you can have a strawberry."  Then I only give one strawberry.  2 more bites are required before they can have another one. Or Small Fry will ask for a strawberry and I will say, "When you eat two bites of sandwich then you can have some."  "When you have eaten a bite of rice you can have a piece of bread."  Sometimes I say "Only the kids who have eaten up all their peas get to have crackers."  I tell you people it works almost every time.  And we don't always have dessert but if I know Small Fry is just messing around I will tell her, "everyone that has tried 4 more bites of stew will get to have a cookie for dessert." (That one I pull out only once or twice a week as needed.)  I don't consider it bribing-I consider it smart parenting.  And I never force my kids to clean off their plate or try things they just are refusing to do.  We had an incident of vomit all over our table over one green bean (which by the way Small Fry ate by the fist fulls just weeks previous) and I decided it was not worth the power trip as a parent.  I like to look at my kids as people too.  If someone did that to me I would be furious.  I feel my energy is better used else where.  These two principles however do make meal time run that much smoother. 

I don't know how I feel about listening to myself- A Real Mommy Moment

Here is the downfall to having your child learn to talk and become fluent in your own language-you get to hear just how you sound from day to day.  The baby crys and your older child says, "Just a minute, I can't help you right now, just a minute, just a minute."  Your baby does something that is not right and you tell him or her to stop and your older child says, "If you kick one more time you are going straight to time out."  Your baby wants something and you tell her she can't have it and there in your ear you hear, "I am sorry but I said no.  I SAID NO, now don't ask again."  Lovely isn't it?

Let the meltdowns begin- A Really Mommy Moment

We are in the stage of meltdowns and tantrums at our house.  I must say as the mother those moments feel to me like some of the loneliest times possible.  My child is kicking and screaming and is inconsolable and I feel horrible and alone.  I don't know how to help, she is beyond reasoning at the moment and I feel as though everyone in town must be able to see right through my walls at what seems like a totally chaotic and crazy home.  The thing is she can go from zero to 60 in just a matter of moments-some of which I have control over and some of which I don't.  No matter the cause I always feel like a terrible parent and then in the next moment when she is calm and hugging me I wish time would stop.  Someone please tell me she will turn out just fine and be a happy, healthy, cooperative child.  Please tell me it will get better.

Shut Up Jo Frost- A real mommy moment

This is Jo Frost-also known as "Supernanny."  I love her.  I have watched tons of episodes of "Supernanny" and credit her with a bunch of parenting tips and tricks that I know work.  When I first had a baby, Jo probably came to my mind more than anyone else as a resource of what I should do.  If you have never watched the show basically it is about families that have children out of control in one way or the other (and parents out of control usually too).  They write in asking for her help.  She goes and stays with them and helps parents figure out discipline and children figure out rules etc.  She spends a day observing without stepping in and then multiple days helping.  I am sure she has helped tons of families.  Things will happen in my house and I can hear Jo saying, "put a stop to that mom" or "don't give in mom."  It can be very helpful and it can also be debilitating.  Most of the time I know what I should do, but whether or not I am doing it is another story. 
Before I had kids I had "it all figured out."  I knew exactly how I was going to raise my children.  That was before I ever had a husband or my sweet darlings came along.  Give birth-and everything changes.  Let me share a few examples:

-Before kids, at church "I can't believe how noisy (fill in the blank)s kids are being.  Why don't they teach them anything about being reverent?"

-After kids, at church "Good grief-doesn't seem to matter what I try-I can't get my kids to be quiet or sit still.  Where are those snacks?"

-Before kids "My kids are not going to watch TV ever.  I will fill their days with games, outings, crafts and rough and tumble play."

-After kids "Would you all just please help me find the remote so I can turn on Dora and have a minute of peace and quiet."

-Before kids "We will be eating healthy foods at every meal.  No sugary treats or junk food and certainly no snacks before meals."

-After kids "Okay, okay, just stop crying.  I will give you just 3 more Cheetos and then it will be time for supper."

The thing is that there is no one else here to tell me what I should do in certain situations or to help when I am feeling totally exhausted or overwhelmed.  It is me-I am the mom and I am doing the best that I can.  I would love to say that I do it right all the time but that is not true.  So lately I have started to do what works, what is not harmful or impairing to my children and what keeps the peace and I have also had to start telling Jo Frost (who is in my head) to "shut up."  My kids are freaking out, we have already played, they have eaten, they are dressed, the blocks and dolls are all over the house and I need a break so I pop on a video and say, "shut up Jo I don't want to hear about having the TV babysit my children for 20 minutes."  It is lunch time and we are having hot dogs and Cheetos for the second day in a row because everyone likes that and it is easy and so I put the plates down and I can see in my head Jo looking over her glasses at the camera saying, "she is serving junky Cheetos to her kids again," and I say "shut up Jo-we happen to love Cheetos in this house and look they are served along side cucumbers and tomatoes."  Small fry has thrown 3 too many tantrums this morning while I tried to get her dressed to go outside so I bundle up the baby and tell small fry she can watch through the window and we go out.  I can hear small fry screaming that she wants to come but I have had it and need a break and so out I go and I say, "Shut up Jo-I have already done time outs this morning-I need to cool off and so does she."  I dump a couple of handfuls of candy in the bottom of my diaper bag to use as bribes at the basketball game while dad is coaching and I am wrangling the children and I say, "Shut up Jo-if it comes to bribes so be it."  I wish I would have started telling myself this long ago.  It would have saved me the time I was at Walmart, pumpkin was a newborn and I had to get a prescription filled.  Walmart is notorious for slow lines at the pharmacy and Small Fry was throwing a fit.  I felt my blood pressure rising and rising and nothing was working to keep her calm.  I had a sucker in my diaper bag but didn't pull it out because I could hear the voice in my head saying, "That's like giving her a reward for screaming" and I was too worried about what everyone around me would think so I left the sucker in there and instead nearly knocked the eye glasses display over as I tried to get my giant cart out of that store and to the parking lot where I gave my toddler a smack on the bum and strapped her in her seat then drove home sobbing because I felt like a complete failure.  The sucker would have eliminated all of that had I just done what was my best at the time and not worried about what anyone else said.

Lesson to anyone who may have a voice in their head:  it is okay to tell it to shut up.  You are the mom, you are doing your best, you don't have to compare yourself to anyone else.  Mother, grandmother, mother in law, sister in law (that's for your Jenny), friend or neighbor-if their voice makes you feel inferior then stop listening to that voice when you are just doing the best you can.  Thank heavens little kids are so loving and forgiving as their parents try and figure this whole job out.

Mommy help for a Real Mommy Moment

My little miss Small Fry...what am I to do with her?  It seems like everyday she is becoming more and more sensitive/nit picky about things: a tag in her shirt, an itch, a bump on her sock, a pokey on her finger, the speed of the car.  I know it is normal to be sensitive but with her it seems like it is something new everyday.  Sure can be exhausting to get her all dressed and then have to undress her because her toe has a "pokey."  She never used to be like this; now she won't wear certain coats because they have a tag, or the zipper itches her chin, and load noises bother her more than they used to and she is always saying something about having a headache in the car and not to drive too fast.  I don't know if this is normal 2 year old behavior, or just a phase and it will pass or if I should be concerned.  Anyone else have a super sensitive toddler or go through this before?

Medical Insurance and a Real Mommy Moment

This has nothing to do with crafts, or recipes or venting about Walmart-just a Real Mommy Moment from my life.
Three days before Christmas I received a medical bill from the Doctors office for $488.00.  That's right $488.00 after taking my little pumpkin in for her 1 year well baby visit.  Before this I don't think I ever paid a cent for a well baby visit except the office co-pay.  The word shocked does not describe how I felt; dumbfounded is maybe a better word to use.  My heart instantly sank realizing that $488.00 was not something that we could come up with.  I looked over the bill-my insurance had covered the visit to the office, one immunization and the basic "look in her ears, eyes, nose and measure her" stuff.  The other immunizations that she received were not covered, nor was the administration of said immunizations.  WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! I called the insurance company.  I had already done that you see-before I even took her in for the appointment.  I called to ask if the well baby visit was covered.  I was told it was-I was wondering if the new health care law would cover the visit but the lady told me that the health care law didn't matter in my case because I had insurance and this insurance covered all of the visit.  So when I called this time wondering what on earth was going on I was told that my insurance does cover all of the well baby visit but not all of the immunizations.  So let me get this straight- as part of the well baby visit I am to get my baby immunized (well I choose to) and I am told by the nurse what immunizations my baby is to receive.  Doesn't that sound like part of a well baby visit??? Part of  a well baby visit that is "100 % covered by my insurance?"  So I said, "my health care rep. said that our insurance is to cover all of a well baby visit and that 100% of immunizations are covered up to age 19."  She said, "yes we do cover all immunizations up to age 19 but we don't cover all of them."  HUH???? Does that make sense to any one else?  So pretty much the lady I talked to the first time should have informed me that yes my insurance does cover all of a well baby visit and 100% of immunizations but it will not cover all immunizations.  But she did not-hence my $488.00 lesson in how to make sure you ask every question possible in case the lovely person you are talking to fails to truly inform you about your health insurance.  I called my doctors office and asked about the bill.  I was told there that actually what happened in the office was that the nurse who does the shots checks to see what insurance the patient has and then makes sure that she does not give a $200.00 shot to someone who is not covered.  In my case she did look to see what insurance I had but their computer still showed my former insurance (one that covered these kinds of things) and so she proceeded to administer the shots when had she known they weren't covered she wouldn't have and would have sent me to the health department where I could have got them for like $15.00.  So the office claimed a great deal of the responsibility.  I said, in sobbing tears, that had I known the shots were not covered I would have never had them done there and I explained that I was under the impression that my insurance did cover everything.  The billing department lady was extremely sympathetic as I said, "now I have a $500.00 Doctors bill and no way to pay for it."  In the end, the Doctor-bless him, said that the clinic would eat the costs and that I was only responsible for administration of the immunizations-$186.00 as opposed to $500.00.  It is still more than I would ever choose to pay for a routine visit to the Doctor but it is a blessing to my little family.  So here's the thing-as a parent you always tell yourself that you would do anything for your kid-you want them to be healthy and strong and there is no limit to what you would pay to make sure they always stay that way.  And then you hit a financial road block and you are counting every penny and suddenly you find yourself thinking, "should I take her to the Doctor and pay the $35.00 co-pay just to see the doctor let alone what ever else she might need, or can we wait it out and see if she gets better on her own?" I hate it-I hate having to question whether or not I should get my children the medical help that they need, but we simply cannot afford to take them to the doctor every time they are sick.  How do I know though if she is going to get better on her own-I don't-I just pray she will.  And then there are the times when you feel guilty with this miserable little girl coughing and hacking and decide you had better take her in and what are you told-"there is nothing we can do-you will just have to wait for her to get over it-oh and by the way don't forget to pay your $35.00 for my totally useless advice."  I don't know-just saying that I hate it.  I wish we had endless money so that I never had to worry and I could afford the best Doctors whenever I desired.  I wish I had some magical power that made me able to tell exactly what is wrong with my kids every time.  I wish I had some way to make a $488.00 bill disappear.  It's one expensive life lesson.